xXAlPal4: May 2011

Thursday, May 5, 2011

I just can’t handle this anymore… I feel myself fading away, future and future everyday and nobody is there to stop it. I am running myself of low; I just can’t handle this anymore. I want to be the fixer, and be the helper of everyones problems. Doing this I put aside my own. What does that fix? Absolutely nothing. It makes my problems worse. I feel empty and alone… with nowhere to go. Who can I turn to, when everyone is turning to me for help. Aren’t I supposed to be the strong one? and help the others so I can save them from the pain I have been through… I don’t know what to think nor what to do. I’m trying to stay strong but I feel myself melting, and breaking down. Slowly fading away. How can i stop it? The ones who said they would alwasy be there, are nowhere to be found… Who can I lead on when I’m not strong? Looks like I have to depend on myself, I have gotten myself through the worst of the worst… What can one more time do? It is times like this though when I was to curl up in a ball, cry my eyes out and never be bothered again. I’m scared. I’ll admit it. I’m scared my past will come back and I don’t know how to avoid it other than facing it head on. But who is there to hold my hand and be by my side? Nobody. I jus have to keep telling myself I will make it, things will get better, even though they keep getting worse. As I slowly fade away.

This cute little baby is Bailey Elizabeth… this is my puppy! I sorta bought her as a breakup present to myself after getting out of the worst two year relationship of my life. But, that doesn’t matter now. This little puppy is laying next to me as I sit here on Tumblr, blogging away. Isn’t she just so cute? I swear, I never thought it was this possible to love something as much as I love her. I can sit and hold her like a baby for hours… Funny thing is though, she acts JUST LIKE HER MOMMY (aka me.) So today I came home, and she was so excited to see me… but she just had a bag of chips in her mouth running around with it! So funny. Oh notice the barney blanket.. that is her blanky. if she doesn’t have that on top of her at night, she cries. In the winter if it is snowing she will not step foot outside without her cheetah jacket and scarf on. I would say she is a tad spoiled. but I wouldn’t trade her. She is so much like a human is it ridiculous. She hold things with her “hands” and walks on two legs everywhere! Oh and she likes to help me with homework, by getting rid of it… aka. chewing it up. Right now, as I sit and type about her snob butt, she is smacking my hands with her paws to make the typing sound stop so she can sleep. Sort of funny! I swear, I love this dog more than I even thought was possible!